So this is a new thing I want to try, where I submit something new I have written that day for critique, but I think instead of just a sentence I will offer up a whole paragraph for critique and rewrite. Now, only the awesome Keanan stepped up last time to fix my awkward mess, but I hope you dear reader, yes you!, will pick apart this paragraph and put it back together, how you see fit. So tell me, is this a sentence…er paragraph?
(I understand there is sort of an ontological issue of what is and is not a sentence/paragraph, so I guess what I am asking is just how would you improve this sentence/paragraph. You really could just just write whatever you want in the comments, in relation to or not in relation to the snippet, or whatever else you might want to write about really. Oh, and I should tell you this is from my work in progress, tentatively titled “Confessions of the Werewolf”. Most likely just another layer on the slush pile..so it goes.)
This triggered a panic in the men and one of them began to fire. A number of rounds riddled my back. The subsequent burst of blood, now freed from the effects of the ring, created a bloody silhouette, which became the perfect target for the now hysteric men.