7-14-16 (Crouching in the Shadows of Tragedy)

7:47PM Just got down to the writing lab. Practicing the guitar, What I Got, the Travis picking exercise I know, goof around with some basic blues. Start reading about, investigating this Nice, France attack. Damn, it really is turning to a horror movie out here. What can you do? Read that in a desperate broken voice, not with a shoulder shrug.

I just got inside from picking my garlic crop, and planting 18+ straggler Green Zebra tomatoes. Got little smudges of dirt all over me. I love playing in it. Love how it rubs the skin smooth. I’ve been experimenting with the “Back to Eden” garden method, basically wood-chips and compost piled high. My soil is rich with dirt and bugs, smells so funky and wonderful. All great, but then you come in, read how some psychopath got in a truck, and mowed down a bunch of innocent people…

Fuck. Deep sigh. I wrote about this a while back, two types of evil. Evil as substance and subject. Pause. Pray. One Our Father, One Hail Mary.

My world view is broken. I can’t recall not having broken world view. If I plunge the depth of my memory bank, most of my earliest memories are sad ones. A step-sister left waiting in the driveway for an errant Mother, eating it no hands on a swing, sitting in my Old Man’s ride when I’m like 5, giving him that tape of me reading, knowing that I would miss something here forever.

When you roll in the dark side you can start thinking that way. Whose gonna make it right for all these victims? How does Karma work for them? The problem of Evil. The problem of Higher Intelligences.

Got three boys. I love them so much its hurts. Physically wrenches at my soul. I can feel it roll and almost tear away when I think about how much they mean to me. Think about those seventy some people being ripped from the mortal plane like that, the ripples of suffering that will cause. Evil has won. They have ruined it, spoiled it….I’m going to step away from this. I’m going to meditate, try to reestablish stone heart and steel consciousness. Then I will put my children to bed. And I will hug them and I will kiss them. And I will sit in the quiet and appreciate how special that is, to have peace and safety, Lord willing.

Who is the god of this world?

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