Stood Up

8:37 Night thoughts. Got stood up on our first showing. Was scheduled late like 71:15-7:45PM. Drove around for half an hour with Dante and Cujo Corvette pumping, hot anxious breath on my neck and back. Since having kids, driving at night, or just in general being out at after darj, always feels strange, surreal. The night hides things, people. I like it. Made me blue though.

I pick it apart, realize that it’s nothing in particular even just the chemical deposit of blue. Nighttime, my thoughts tends to get sadder, less self-assure then during the daytime. Almost felt like manufacturing nostalgia, maybe like the good part of the trip of nostalgia. My house all cleaned and shined up, kids chilling before bedtime. The way Cujo perfectly fits on the landing of the stairs, that I finished one day, years too late, with pallet wood painted blue. He lays out on it perfectly calm, flat, a living effigy mound.

Tell Britney its not the house that’s special, but the family. She says that’s right. Ultimately that’s true, but then why did I stand at the top of those steps before I locked up and say an Our Father and a Hail Mary, and do the sign of the Cross, and then hold my hand on my heart, and then rubbed the wall next to me, told it thank you for housing and protecting my family, that I would make sure it found someone nice. No offense.

Truth is though, there’s no turning back. The shipped has sailed on the moving goal. One way or another, Lord willing, that is the plan. Life has no guarantees, I know. A passing feeling of blue, a sense of security, they are not goals which ultimately satisfy, I note. I need my hands in the dirt. Need some space of my own outdoors, where my family and I can embrace a lifestyle we yearn for. As I drove down a road in the country, I smelled burning leaves. I thought about the fire tender sitting out there, enjoying the cool fall air. Made me appreciate the choice we were making. There was power and place on the road too. My blood and genes seemed to nod in recognition. You’ve been without home before, it’s okay, move, there’s another place down the road. 9:01PM

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